My heart's a little sore today. I keep making wishes that will never come true. Knowing that I cannot change the past, or go back to relive any of it hurts just a little more with each realization.
Today is my sister's birthday, she would be 23. At every birthday that passes I miss her a little more than the last time. It's one more full year I haven't seen her, talked to her or fought with her. One more year she has missed of my son's life, her friends and family's life.... of HER life. Knowing she left this world too soon angers me more than anything. Her life was stolen, ripped away from her and everyone else that loved her.
I hate the term, "She was taken too soon." I don't believe she was taken by anyone, I just believe she died. Where is she? All around us, in my son, my family's memories and in our hearts. I see things that my son does that remind me of her. The way he sits, eats, sleeps, drools, laughs, loves and thinks. He has a part of her in him. I believe before he was born she gave a piece of her soul to him, to help create his soul. Each person that passes before us does this to create a new member of the family. That is why you see qualities in young ones that you have seen before in your elders. These traits are passed on, over and over throughout a bloodline to create more souls. That is why my son may resemble my dad, who is still very much alive. The person who gave my dad a piece of themselves gave a piece to my son as well. My beliefs make it so that there is no God. No one creator, but many creators. Every person/soul is a creator of life.
Although I believe this, I am hesitant to share it with my son. I grew up without a major religion in my home and was welcome to choose. But because I was allowed to choose at such a young age to attend church, I was taught about religion. (NOT by my parents) I was taught about ONE god, creator of all things. Of heaven and hell, angels and demons, sins and the way we are supposed to live our lives for our lord. Learning this way at a young age was hard because it's still to this day engraved in my thoughts. I catch myself thinking of god sometimes, seconds later realizing I don't really believe in him. All because this was a part of my childhood, it's hard to forget.
I want my son to grow up and choose what he believes, as I have done. I want him to think for himself and not have me tell him how the world works and how people are created. The only problem with this is that there will come a day when he asks where Tabby has gone. Since I do not believe in heaven or hell, I'm not sure how I will go about explaining it. He knows he has an auntie he has never met, and today he thought he was going to meet her. I simply told him that she isn't with us and that she passed away, but we would still be having a cake to celebrate her birthday. He is so young that all his brain heard and understood was that we were having cake, and that was okay with him. I don't know how I would have gone into more detail if he would have asked where she was. I have no grave to bring him to, only an urn full of ashes. And that is not something I want to explain to my 3 year old.
I feel my sister sometimes and hope her spirit watches over me and my family. But I don't want to condemn her to watch us. I sometimes feel uncomfortable when I feel her around and actually ask her to leave. I felt the same with my Bampa when he died, but I never felt my Maam around. I want them all to be happy and I hope that she, and everyone that has passed on, is in a place of their own... a world they can create and control. I guess the only word for this is heaven, but not the heaven everything thinks of. This place is their afterlife. They can share it with others, or keep it to themselves. They have lived their life here and now their only chore is to help create new souls for this earth.
I never understood how a religious person could trust everything to a god when someone dies. To know that there loved one was safe, and "in a better place" didn't make sense because I could not physically see it for myself. I feel very strongly about my beliefs, but I think this is the first time I have ever written about it. I don't expect many people to understand or agree with me on this, but it is what gives me closure and peace when a loved one dies. This is my religion. I don't practice or preach anything, I just believe.
Now that I got all of that out, I love you and hope you had a great day, where ever you chose to be. Happy Birthday sis. <3
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