You can probably figure out what this entry will be about just from the title. Playing favorites is one of the things people do that absolutely drives me insane. Everyone does it to some extent, so don't deny it because it's true. Your boss, your mom, dad, grandparents, and even our kids and pets do it. Some make it less obvious, and other's well, don't. Weather they are bad at hiding it or just don't care, it's irritating when it happens to you or someone you love.
I would love to be someone's favorite, but if that means that they treat other's less than how they treat me never mind!! I've been there, sort of, and know how it feels. And no I'm not talking about my parents, although my sister insisted I was the favorite one. I didn't see it. My sister did more things with my father, so I always thought she was his favorite, but it never bothered me because I didn't really care to do those things. And I'm pretty sure the only thing my mom did for me that she didn't do for my sister was breastfeed me longer. We both always got the same amount of clothes and school supplies when school started. My sister would also get my hand me downs, which to me was sad because these were clothes I still liked that no longer fit. We both got the same amount of love, chores and discipline. My parents did a good job not to show who was their favorite, although I am sure deep deep down they probably had/have one.
I can say at this point in my life that I have a favorite child. My own son of course. And I can say that openly because he is the only child I have. When I have another, who knows, maybe I will still favor him over the next one to some degree because he was my first. Maybe I will favor the second one more because it will be easier the second time around and he/she will be my new baby. But I will NEVER say which one is my favorite and I will never treat one better than the other, give him/her more love, attention or discipline. They will both be my children and I will love them both differently, but with all that I have.
Now as for my grandparents. The ones on my moms side definitely had favorites, and everyone to this day knows who they were. They cooed over them more, didn't yell at them or discipline them as much, kept every piece of art they ever created for them, and took way more photos when they were with them. Am I mad, not really. I know they all loved us differently but as much as they could. They bought us all the same presents at Christmas, and weren't really the hugging type so the fact of favorites wasn't really an issue when I was younger. As I grew up I noticed it more and was a little jealous of my younger cousins, but since I saw my grandparents just as much and had spend more of my life with them it didn't really bother me. I knew they loved me and that was all that mattered.
With the parents on my father's side, I don't really know if they actually have favorites. I assume they do and that they are just so good at hiding it that I just can't tell. My sister was the baby of the family, and when she died it was hard on everyone. And my grandparents still have a hard time dealing with it, but if I lost a grandchild so would I. They give us the same amount of money for Christmas and birthdays, and call us all the grandchildren's names until they get to the right one. They give all of us kisses and hugs when we see each other and before we leave. They seem to love us all the same so I guess unless they slip we will never know!!
My parents love being grandparents, probably more than they did becoming parents of their own because they can give him back to me when they've had enough. ; ) They jump at the opportunity to watch him, have sleepovers and make memories with him. Now, my son sees my parents more than double the amount of time he sees my spouses parents. This is mostly because of convenience. I am a stay at home mom without a vehicle, and my parents happen to live next door. So in the event of a date night, appointment or a day off, my parents are the first on the list to take him. If I lived further away that probably wouldn't be the case unless they were willing to come and get him and bring him back. I wish Layne could do these things with all of his grandparents.
My spouses parents and grandparents all live close, but we still don't see them as much as we would like to because of his busy work schedule, and their's. His father and (step) mother live about 20 minutes away but both work full time jobs. They have never babysat for us or taken him for an overnight. This I understand completely because they are so busy and my son doesn't feel 100% comfortable at their house unless his cousins are there. I hope that someday in the future my son will warm up to the idea of spending a day with them. They both treat him the same as they treat their other grand kids, which I couldn't be happier about. Blood or not his Grammy loves him just as much.
My spouses grandparents live about 10 minutes away and he sees them a couple times a week to deliver groceries, prescriptions, get their mail and bring their trash out. They never leave the house and don't have a car so they only see my son maybe once or twice a month when we are on our way into town. They love him very much and he knows it, but is he their favorite... no. They had 11 years with their first great grandson. A lot of those years Pa was healthy enough to work in the garage with him and make tons of memories. Now he can barely get around and spends most of his time in his chair. Layne doesn't do much with them besides throwing a ball or playing with his cars, but he still loves to visit. Unfortunately they can't watch him for us, like they used to do for his cousin, because they can't move around. The only reason I actually know that his cousin in the favorite is because of the money they spend on him. Whenever Christmas comes around my son would get a gift card for 15-20 dollars while his older cousin would get a video game system or an i pod. Layne doesn't know this, as he's too young to understand, so it can't bother him. They still love him and don't outwardly show that they love his cousin more, so it's a secret issue.
Just for a little background information, I have had my ups and downs with my spouses mother since the first time we met 5 years ago. So before I became pregnant, and my son was just a dream, I wondered how differently she would act towards my children. She already had a grandson who was her world, and I wondered if she had room to fit another. I found out how rocky the road to acceptance was going to be for me and my son when we told her the news of our pregnancy. She went silent on the phone and said something "along the lines" of her wanting to make sure she actually got to see the baby and be a part of his/her life. This was not said in a loving manner. All she could think about was not being able to see her grandchild, who was no where close to being born yet. A part of me was happy that she felt this way. I wanted her to love and accept my child just as much as she loved her first grandson. Maybe by her feeling this way she was letting us know she wanted to be a big part of his life. Well, it hasn't turned out quite like that.
After he was born she didn't come to the hospital to see him, she went camping instead. We couldn't get a hold of her because she had shut off her phone. My son was in the hospital for 5 days because he was jaundiced. She didn't know this until after she got home, a week later, and was told by her mother. She insists, to this day, that I kept her from the hospital, which is NOT true. She met my son when he was a week old and only spent 20 minutes with him before leaving. She didn't see him again until he was a month old. Now compare this to the fact that she was at the hospital before and after her first grandson was born, and went to visit her grand daughter when she was born in 2011. She also took her first grandson for the first time when he was a week old, and continued to take him for days and overnights throughout his life.
My son is now 3 1/2 years old. During his 3 1/2 years his paternal grandmother has only taken him a handful of times. Every time she has taken him she has been asked to. She's never called to take him or see how he's doing. She doesn't hesitate to call and offer her other grandson to stay with her for a weekend or more. She has canceled plans to take my son the day before or the day we have planned for him to go over even though her other grandson is at her house. She doesn't hesitate to judge us and say we are keeping him from her. She tries to guilt trip us by saying we never bring him around so he doesn't know her. I am tired of asking her if she wants to take him overnight or watch him for us. She doesn't seem very interested and wants only to blame it on us.
My spouses mom was currently living with her oldest daughter and her spouse, her 14 yr old son and 1 yr old daughter. She was staying with them, right up the road from us, while her apartment was being "renovated" and brought up to code. During those couple of months, she only came to our house twice. Once to drop off her pets while we watched them and once to pick them up when we couldn't do it anymore. She never came over to visit. We offered for her to come spend a night a couple of times a week but she didn't want to. We offered her to come over and have dinner with us, but she didn't want to do that either. The only times we saw her were when we called to visit over there.
Her home is now ready for her to be moved in. I called to see if we could "steal" my sister in laws son while they were moving her in so him and my son could play. (his 14 year old cousin is his best friend) That's when I found out that he would be spending the night at Nanny's that night, her first night there. I was really upset. She has lived with her grandson and granddaughter for the past 4 months, and has only seen my son maybe 5-6 times since then.... and she lives right up the road!! My son keeps asking if he can see his cousin and I told him the truth. He's is going to Nanny's this weekend. He wasn't very happy about it, but now wants to see his younger cousin instead. I hope he grows up not seeing the favoritism, because it's plain as day to me. I hope that he feels the way I did when I knew my grandparents had favorites and still feels just as loved.
Don't get me wrong, my son loves his Nanny and I wish she would spend more time with him one on one. But I will not put him out there to get hurt. If she continues to favor her grandchildren this way she will be seeing less of my son. He doesn't understand why his cousin visits and goes with Nanny but he does not. And when he gets older he will probably start to ask her and us why this happens. I'm honestly not comfortable with what she will probably tell him. I doubt she sees anything wrong with what she's doing.
I had a conversation with my mom just this past year about grandparents favoring a certain grandchild. She told me she couldn't imagine seeing one child more than the others, or treating any of them differently in front of the others. She said she would love them all the same. And I'm sure even if she didn't she wouldn't let it become public knowledge otherwise. I wish every grandparent felt this way.
No comments:
Post a Comment