I have a hard time dealing with loss. I usually go into a numbing shock and then cry just a little. But I am incapable of feeling the pain of that loss. I can't feel the hurt or emptiness that other's feel when someone dies because I have already been there. I have already been to the lowest of my low and felt the most heartfelt pain I could ever feel when I lost my sister. The pain I felt was like death itself. I could not move, it hurt to breath, I couldn't eat or drink and all I wanted to do was sleep and cry. It just hurt to live without her here. And because I've been there, for some reason, I haven't been able to go there again. I guess you could say I'm lucky that I don't feel so many emotions when other's pass. But I sometimes feel as though I am cheated out of the grieving process. Like I can't mourn them because I can't feel the pain I need to go through that.
I feel so badly that I can't feel overwhelming sadness anymore. The only thing that gets me through these tragedies is thinking of the good things. I can still feel the happiness of the good memories I share with the people who are no longer here. So instead of mourning them I celebrate their life instead. I try to think of the positive things. Yes, it is a horrible thing that this person is no longer here, but these are the millions of things they left behind for us. Children, memories, photos, life lessons, advice... and most of all LOVE. I have come to realize that I don't need to be sad to mourn, I can be happy and mourn just the same.
I am so sorry for the loss of Amber. That first night I choked up and was brought to tears multiple times. Just knowing that she is no longer here with her babies kills me because I cannot imagine what it will be like for them. They are very lucky to have so many of their moms friends in their lives. They may not grow up with their mom, but they will know her through them and the memories they shared. I am so glad that Amber took so many photos. And I'll never forget that the last time I saw her she hugged me like no time had passed at all and smiled the whole time telling me about her babies. I haven't seen Brady since he was a newborn, but when I went to meet him she gave me her What to Expect When Your Expecting book. I still have it and used it to write down all of my pregnancy adventures. Thank you Amber for being my friend and for giving me that book. It meant a lot to me then because I didn't have the money to buy one and you just handed it to me without thinking twice, and it means even more to me now. I'll never forget your laugh, the way you always played with your tongue ring, your sweater obsession, and your love for being in photos. That you spoke your mind, stuck up for your friends, loved your brothers and sisters and always had fun no matter what you were doing. ; ) Be at peace and love your babies from above. We'll all miss you, but I know we'll see you again. <3 <3 <3
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